ah, hello again, for the fun of it i was just looking at a friends profile. she hasn't been online, at least to me for months. i've got a christmas present waiting for her at my house. but anyways, i was reading her profile and she mentions she has an amazing family, amazing friends, and amazing guy. i don't know why this struck me so odd. the friends part...i know for a fact i'm not one of those amazing friends shes talking about. she won't even look at me, call me, or much less include me in anything. i know this because, after our sophomore year, we didn't talk until about the end of july, when we went to colorado together. so we go there, come back home and don't talk until school starts. how odd is that?? alot is going on i guess, anyone who knows what i'm talking about can put 2 and 2 together and know what i'm talking about.

i don't know what to do really. it seems i can easily give her time to just come around. i can be there for her when she needs me, although i know she'll never come to me for anything. not anymore. i know for a fact that i wasn't even considered a friend as of september and so much has happened since then, i don't even think she trusts me. i think i just wish that there wasn't that odd "wall" between us. like...i just don't want to pretend things are ok. i just want to know if she's given up on me or not. i hate this fake friendliness. i mean she won't let on at all if she's mad at me or if she still even considers me a friend. at this point, i'm okay if she just doesn't want to talk to me, i'm going to hate it after a while, and i really don't think this is a big enough issue to break up our friendship. i've known her for over 6 years. surely we're bigger and stronger than that. but at the same time, i'm tried of the faking. theres nothing more i hate than a fake smile, fake interest, or fake friend. i don't want her to be a friend cause we've always been friends though. i want her as a friend cause she is a true friend, the same friend i used to have. i hate the think its too late, but but on the other hand 'too late' is for quitters. nor i or ashley are quitters.

wow i'm starting to get really long with these blogs...i think i'll give it a break. think on it. maybe call her. (sigh*) well , news years is coming up, hope you guys out there have fun, make wise decisions, and don't take the new year for grantid. keep an open mind, and remember there's very little worth worrying about, when in the end, what happens will happen and things tend to work out by their selves anyways. take care

ah been a while since a blog, personally i hate to resort to it, but i don't want to go on about this to any one person. it'd suck for them... but heres the deal. i got my liscence back in may 2005, fought with my mom over and over that i was a fine driver she had nothing to worry about, and now, 7 months later, i've gained her trust to not only drive her car but drive with her to random places as far as virgina and tennessee. but that's not the problem see...i'm 17, don't even really have time for a job but need one so desperately. and if i can't have my own car, i can't get and return applications or get to a job if i got one much less. ok now to add to my frustration, my brother finds a 60 some cuda, in louisville, 2 hours away. he's got not only a reliable car, hes' got 2 other cudas....( in case you don't know, cudas are a cough* marwan * Plymouth  barracuda ...a car) ok, so my dad, whose the busiest of anyone in my family, takes a little father son trip to go get it. now my turn right? not quite. i find random cars in charleston and my mom even actually looks for some in indiana and central kentucky. but then when we call on them, my mom just like ...."yeah but i really don't think we can find time to go out that far" wtf 

ok well i'm gonna be honest, it's not that i don't have a car at all.  i actually have a 70 dodge charger. but not only do i not want to resort to driving that around as an everyday car...it doesn't run. simple thing needed really. gas pump. and my dads a mechanic. but then this is the same dad too busy to help me get it running. yet not too busy to get a car for my bro. ok next thing that i can't help but be mad at...it's not like i'm asking them to buy me a car. not only would i paly them back once i got a job, but i friggin handed them 2000 to their pocket to look for a car. i traded in the last bit of stock i had to get that, and they complain about money. then at the same time...my mom just bought new rims and convertible top for her precious little ride. and they just got back not to long ago from looking at dodge manns car lot, for the new 3500 1 ton trucks. of course the one my dad wants he's got to wait and save up for. but this is where i find myself. i can think of so many ways to make my days more useful if i had a car. and now that i don't, i have to ask people to take me, and of course it's..."oh this is such a hassle" or i'm late and they're all "well you should be thankful you have a ride" or "now be on time when i come to pick you up" then i'm waiting out there on time and theyre late... or "no i can't give you my car to take, cause i want my car at home IN CASE i need it " (despite the fact that everyone else in the family has a car...)

 

and you say, maybe she's just a really bad driver, you know, needs some more experience. well let me compare my brother whose drover for 5 years now. hes recked a sebring, jeep, barracuda, and drinks like a fish. me (driving a total of 14 months...put a scratch ( ok yeah that was a deep scratch but what ever i hit i didn't even notice i hit til i got home and saw what had been done) on my bros jeep. SIGH****

 

wow this is really getting long, i thank and feel sorry for anyone whose made it this far...but really thanks. ok i'm going to stop complaining about my parents and brother. they all are workaholics " so i can have the things i have" and i can't really say, i'm meant to have a car if i don't have one. if was meant to i would. there's every other reason in the world that i should have a car, but one reason why i don't, and i guess thats good enough reason for me...for now. i'm giving it a couple more months then i think i'll move to new jersey. (jk) only really, it's all good i guess. just means kris gets to take me places. ok i'm done, that was good i think. sorry if i haven't talked to anyone in a while. please have a merry CHRISTmas and i'll hopefully talk to you guys soon...if you've made it this far in the blog. love ya
christy

wow, it's something about those little reminders of why i'm so happy with you. it is you and no other. (your personel message) took me a while to catch on but kris, right now, altho freezing, i can see potential in this night not being a total failure. and maybe theres a reason there so much trouble with the car situation. i'm to the point, i just think someone is keeping me from something or somewhere for a reason. but the way i see it, yeah sure maybe we do spend too much time together, idk, but until when i get a car, you can't take me anywhere as much...so. but hey, things will happen how theyre best off. things could be worst. i could be going through all this with out you. kris, i don't know why you are the way you are, but it fits and i can be nothing but grateful.